I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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