I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
