I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My feet surprised me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
