Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
