Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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