I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
