I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
