My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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