well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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