i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
