So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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