Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
