My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
