Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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