i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
