I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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