Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
