The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
