I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
