The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
