i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
