last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
