that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
