I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Drunk is not a location!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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