I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
