were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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