i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He? As in you personified your dick?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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