your parents love me but you hate me
After last night, I could never be a politician.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
