Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
