There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
