i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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