This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
