the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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