so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
