Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
