I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
