why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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