I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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