yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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