How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
