you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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