nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
