He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
