I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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