you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
