I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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