I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
last night I used snow as a chaser
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