Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Randomize
