it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
