Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
