i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
