this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
